My husband and I fight.
There, I said it!
The thing is, everything I Insta-post is accurate. We love each other to the moon… and back. We are best friends. We do seek adventures together. We laugh… a LOT! We are a kingdom couple. We do snuggle to watch movies.
And we are very, very happy!
We also are very real people! Sometimes “love” is a word of unexpected TRUTH in the others’ life. Sometimes being “best friends” also means you act a bit like “friendemies.” Sometimes it takes 2 hours (or weeks) of coercing to make the adventure happen. Sometimes we make each other cry… okay, mainly me but still. Sometimes we get tired of the other spouse being so “ministry-minded” and wish we could just go home. Sometimes we sit on opposite ends of the couch because we’re offended and it’s hard to move closer when we can’t figure out who’s right and who’s wrong.
And sometimes… marriage is about the joy of the commitment before God, and not so much the happiness of the moment.
Someone said something to me recently that made me question my example of marriage to the world, via Social Media posts. They said, “You two are just so cute! Absolute perfection! I wish I had what y’all have!” I quickly responded a littler too hastily with, “Oh, we fight! We don’t always get along. Maybe I should post a pic in the midst of an argument so people can see we’re not perfect!” I even held up my hands to act out a selfie during our (now planned) argument to bring realism to our publicized relationship.
…and yes, it was an awkward moment because as much as society says they’re looking for authenticity, they really don’t want to see the ugly of those they personally know. Just the scripted shows on TV with characters that are more like ideas then actual people.
So although I had taken it too far, and should have stuck with the, “We’re not perfect but we are in love and grateful for every minute God gives us together” response, I will choose this blog platform to respond appropriately.
Clarification… am I revealing like a real life expose, here for all to see, that Sheldon and my marriage is a farce and actually horrible to live through? Stop your non-nonsensical notions such as this one this very instant! Of course not!
Our marriage IS awesome!!! It is loving!!! And since I am biased and can say such things in my own writings, I’ll go as far as to say that it is the best thing that has or will ever happen to me on this green earth! But not because it’s perfect but because it’s perfecting me as a person through every imperfectly faced lesson. I’m becoming more like Christ because of the humbling role I’m serving in as Wife.
Marriage is humbling. You have to submit to another person’s will. Again and again. To do it right, you have to look to their needs before your own and often their desires or “wants” as well. It’s no longer “I” but it’s “we” and just when you’ve learned how to be married in one regard, another new challenge pops up and requires your attention. It’s time consuming and it’s all together worth it. Sheldon and I both waited a long time to be married. We dreamed, fantasized and decided long before we met the other one, how marriage would look on a daily basis. Now we often laugh at that mental image we clung to. And as we’ve learned to lay those prior expectations down, we have become more content with marital realities that Papa God put in place long before we even began to think.
He really is in control. During our worst arguments (VERY rarely witnessed by others, since nobody wants to see that), we stop and pray. No joke. Even though one or both of us really doesn’t want to and even acts childish about doing so. We do. We stop and pray and by the end of it we’ve realized how out of control we were and how in control we want Jesus to be right there in our midst.
So if I can give one piece of married advice after only a short year and a half, I’d advise that you stop and pray together in the midst of the marital storm. The storms are not fun but the aftermath is mostly sweet. It’s a coming together to say, “My will doesn’t matter here. Our commitment to Christ in marriage does…oh, and there it is… that feeling that I’ve had all along, buried within my sinful thoughts and actions… I love you.”
So yes, we fight. And no, this is not the expose you may have wished for or the step by step guide to getting over it. But what this is, a truth-telling blog by a real life human, wishing to never be used as a form of “perfect marriage” comparison for someone’s imperfect one. I always want our lives and marriage, Sheldon and mine, to be used to tell a story grater than our own, a redemptive one… filled with grace, and yes, wonder. Wonder that a GREAT God would choose to reign in a marriage made up of imperfect people and to set a real life example for unconditional love, including the Fight for Our Future. As you can see from what I’ve shared on social media, which is just as real as the “fight,” we are very much in love and it is possible to overcome the schemes of the evil one. He will not destroy our marriage with fear, isolation, anger, bitterness, etc
Our marriage is beautifully real, belongs to the Lord and is worth fighting for!
PS How do you feel that marriage in “real life” differs from the way we were raised to believe it as? What are some lessons Papa is teaching you through yours?