Jesus said “build”… and then He said “rebuild.”
And when the walls seemingly came tumbling down around me, He said nothing.
It’s said that it can kill you. I’m not surprised because the last 6 months of fear and attack could have led me down an even darker road, had it not been for the light of Christ in my life and a support system of loved ones who empathized with me in my various states of process.
Process. A word used so lightly on the World Race (The World-Wide trip where God had spoken those words of purpose into my heart), and yet now, I knew exactly the weight of a worthy word such as that. To process something is to go through stages.
When you think of a stage, you often think of one elevated level, looked up to, revered. But when you’re speaking of the grief of loss and fear of the unknown, you’re looking at something oh so different. You begin to picture insurmountable odds… multiple levels that seem to never end and always feel too far to reach, much less pull yourself onto. Depression sets in.
“I am worn out waiting for your rescue, but I have put my hope in your word. My eyes are straining to see your promises come true. When will you comfort me?” Psalms 119:81-82
“Joy comes in the morning” becomes your nightly plea as you still look to your Father, the Sovereign One, who designed your very being, to make this promise true… tomorrow and no later… “Please, God.”
And then you wake up.
“A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person’s strength.” Proverbs 17:22
Your nightmare is over. Your hands remain shaky because of the fear you faced… almost unconsciously, and you decide that today is the day you can move forward. The results are in. You’ve lost but nothing entirely and it’s okay to be normal and to live life again because you can. Because you’ll be here for it. And you’re surrounded. Oh, you’re surrounded. Because when you cried out, they came.
And rejoicing begins. You sometimes wish it didn’t because you feel as if you’ve weathered a storm and your body is exhausted but your spirit reminds you it’s okay to jump up and down and so you do. You recognize God’s faithfulness for what it is, not your will but His and you decide that He is good as you always thought and had forgotten to remember so recent ago.
Life is not perfect and it’s more real than we can imagine and it catches you sleeping and not bearing your armor and well, it checks you.
Call it an attack.
Call it a check.
Call it pride, thinking you’re okay until you’re not. God doesn’t care, as long as you cling to Him. Which you did. Even when you hated that you were doing it, you clung instead of giving up. Even when you said, “I give up!” others remind you that you hadn’t. You couldn’t give up on God. You’re His and He’s yours and His banner over you was love. Is love. There is forgiveness. There is a future.
And now that the renovations of your soul are complete, “It’s time to build…”
Yes, He speaks again.
“…We are the servants of the God of heaven and earth, and we are rebuilding the house that was built many years ago, which a great king of Israel built and finished.” Ezra 5:11
Sometimes the ancient walls… landmarks, must be torn down for the walls to be built again… like a fortress. Unwavering. Unshaken.
I’ve grown from it all and God is good.
Can you relate? Has God brought you through a season of grief or fear recently? How have you responded? We love authentic comments. Please feel free to share your thoughts with Lauren below!