I have spent the last six months carrying my ministry on my shoulders.
To some of you that may seem like a valiant thing, or a brave thing, or even a sacrificial thing.
Trust me. Its not.
It’s a stupid thing.
Since February I have watched the Lord do His work in Umeda and in the lives of the people I have spoken to and shared life with and ministered to. And I have seen light emerge from places that have before been filled only with darkness. All of those things are amazing, and all of those things are the Lord.
But what started out of a righteous desire to please the Lord, became a twisted desire to make sure I was doing enough for God.
Because the benefit of my ministry in Umeda was not meeting my expectations for what I wanted to see, I placed a burden on my own shoulders that was not meant for me.
A burden that said I needed to work harder.
A burden that said I didn’t have enough people to be efficient.
A burden that said I didn’t have enough resources.
A burden that lied.
God revealed this burden to me recently. Because my God is good and loving and caring and intimate, He whipped out the mirror and let me see the massive cantankerous weight that I was piling up on myself. And then, just as easily, He took it off by asking me this question:
What if the past six months was about you?
It is. And it also isn’t.
But in that one question I felt a freedom I have not felt since I started this ministry. And in that freedom, lies were broken and the truth was able to flourish and come alive. Because this is not my ministry. This is God’s ministry. And there is nothing my God lacks.
God is abundance.
What God was asking me when He proposed that question was for me to give back His ministry to Him so that I could be free to do what He had planned all along.
To work on my heart.
He has been growing me and changing me and moving me into the man He desires me to be. He has shown me pieces of myself that He loves and pieces that He wants to work on. He has given me unbelievable gifts of abundance.
My God loves me more than He loves my ministry.
Now don’t get me wrong. I am still fully into this ministry. I love it. God has gifted me by allowing me to be a part of it.
I just don’t believe any of the lies I did before.
Because this ministry is His, and I am His, and He is mine.
I don’t have to worry or stress over where the people or the resources or the changes are going to come from.
I just have to hang out with Jesus and listen to what He is speaking to me at each and every moment. He’s got the rest.
Psalms 127: 1-4
Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the guards stand watch in vain. In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat—for he grants sleep to those he loves.