Man, I’m tired.

Not afraid to tell you guys this is a rather hard season right now.

A good season.

But a hard one.

I often feel like I’m doing it wrong.

Writing these blogs I mean.

Like, I’m saying too much.

Sharing too many difficult things.

That people only want to see the happy things.

The praises.

Those are the lies the enemy tells me.

But the truth is, I need you guys.

I need your prayer and your support.

It’s tough being a missionary.

It’s tough being a missionary in Japan.

Lately so much is changing.

So many things different from what I originally expected.

A lot of times I feel like I am in chaos.

It gets tiring, really.

Only ever knowing the next step right before it happens.

Or not knowing the next step at all.

I start desiring control over my situation.

I get frustrated and disappointed when I don’t have it.

Many times I hunger for structure.

To know all that I should be doing exactly how I should be doing it.

If I don’t get it, I can easily leave God behind and try to find it somewhere else.

Don’t worry.

I always come back to Him.

Often the reason I want structure is so that everyone back at home will know I have it.

That you guys will know.

Because that’s what people want to see, isn’t it?

Structure.

Control.

A stable ministry with a continuously increasing following?

Makes sense, really.

It’s just not what has happened yet here in Japan.

And I don’t believe it’s because of lack of trying or following Christ.

Its because it’s not in God’s plan just yet.

But that’s hard to explain to people, I think.

I don’t blame them.

It’s just, I still need their encouragement and support.

Recently, a friend of mine said something that got me thinking.

He asked me to look at Jesus and ask what His structure looked like.

Have you ever done that?

Jesus rarely did things the same way twice anywhere He went.

He was constantly responding to His Father’s voice in every single situation.

And most times, it looked like chaos.

Even His disciples would question Him constantly because they were looking for a pattern, or some control to hang onto.

But Jesus wasn’t trying to build formulas for his disciples to follow.

He was trying to build a reliance on the Holy Spirit.

Of course God sometimes calls us to structure, and when He does it glorifies Him completely.

But we don’t start with a structure and then get God.

We start with God and then sometimes He gives us a structure.

Trust me guys, I want structure.

Really bad.

I’ve searched for it and tried to create it.

But every time I have, I’ve realized I left God behind in the process.

And He has reminded me of it each time.

I don’t know yet exactly what God is doing here and how He is going to do it.

The plan that I have had in my head, He has changed so many times.

I am seeking Him for guidance every day, but He doesn’t give me all the answers.

I’m fine with that.

I need Him.

I need to seek Him.

That’s how I am going to do His will.

Not by creating some structure without Him.

But by following His voice wherever He leads me.

I don’t know the entire plan yet.

But I know my Father does.

And it’s a plan to prosper and not to harm me.

I follow Him.

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Basically, what I’m asking you guys for is help.

For your prayers but also your advice.

Feel free to comment or email me or find me on Facebook.

I’d appreciate it.